J is for... Judgement - or, Screw You (and Your Book Club)

As you've probably gathered, this was inspired but a recent unfortunate experience whereby I tried to join a book club and was pretty much verbally escorted from the premises. How preposterous, that I should wish to join a book club! Maybe I'm too young (huh?) or didn't look the part - but by midway through the conversation I was despairing of the whole situation. This isn't exactly what happened, but elements are there (and yes, I was reading a book that changed their attitude to me, but by this point I didn't care anymore as I couldn't imagine anything worse than sitting through a book club meeting like that). I've never been interviewed to join a book club before - weird.

Screw You (and Your Book Club)

1.0.

(What do you think you’re doing here?

We didn’t invite you.) We’re full to overflowing.

(A Do Not Enter Sign at the door – didn’t you see it?)

2.0.

(It must have been hidden behind the Welcome

Sign reserved for paying customers. I brushed

Past it as I made my way to biographies –

I’ve a taste for life, you see. Anyone’s will do.)

That’s a shame.

1.0

You know, there’s a list. A waiting list.

Even people waiting to get on the waiting list!

It’s just not possible.

(And that’s that. She looks young, frivolous.

There’s a flower in her hair. Give me strength.)

1.1.

But. (We’re so old. Skewed out to retirement!)

Wouldn’t some young blood make it more interesting?

(Does it have to be you and your retired ladies’ network?

With me to pour the tea and bake the cakes?)

1.0.

(But we don’t want whelps who’ve just read The Help!

We're serious – we just read a book about the Holocaust, for Christ’s sake.)

It’s quite a challenging group – not for people who

Want to read The Help and drink wine.

We value commitment – so many people flake out like

Puppies on a long walk.

(You’re not – serious enough.)

Our last book was set during the Holocaust.

1.1.

That was a tough one!

In fact, I’ll be surprised if some people don’t

Take time out after that!

(Confidingly) Not everyone enjoyed it; understandable really.

2.0.

(Opportunity taps at my heels.)

In that case, could I leave my details – in case

Things change, and you can squeeze me in?

(Though it will be a monthly battle of wills, I fear.)

I’m looking for something challenging to read. (To do!)

1.1.

Sure, why not, we’ll help if we can –

(I mean, one person – why on earth not?)

1.0.

But don’t expect anything. (Pauses –

That foolish girl has opened our doors wide to the riff-raff!)

So we can understand if you’d even fit in,

What are the last three books you’ve read?

2.0.

(You smug condescending bitch. Trying – to – remain – civilised… oh dear –)

You know, I did read The Help recently – it was an enjoyable read,

(Even if the story became a little ludicrous at times. But I’m not telling you that.)

I don’t think it did me any damage. I also read ____

1.1.

Oooh! You loved that one –

Right up your street!

1.0.

Yes! (Taken aback. Show off!) Indeed.

Anything else?

2.0.

I read a lot. Anything, really. I’m also ploughing my way

Through the __________ series.

They’re a great read. (I don’t think they

Sapped my ability to read about

The Holocaust either.)

I think it’s important to read as widely as possible.

1.1.

This sounds great – we’ll let you know,

I’m sure you’ll fit right in.

I hope we can welcome you soon!

2.0.

Wouldn’t that mean you had to lose

People first though? If you're full?

(Darn it. Not her fault I’m being 

Blackballed on sight.

Must do better.)

1.1.

I’m sure we can do something –

Numbers are fluid. People come and go.

1.0.

We’ll see. No promises.

We’ll let you know.

Have a nice day.

(Please leave. Now.)

2.0.

(I should have worn my glasses.)